As I reflect on this question, I realize that I was raised on the Hollywood version of marriage. “ Love and Marriage , go together like a horse and carriage” isn’t that the way the song goes?But what if the hitch between the horse and carriage is broken or the horse is ailing or the carriage was made with inferior steel from China lol? The bond might easily break.

The second pillar of my view of marriage was the humanism I learnt while studying psychology. So from there one adds in ‘tolerance of differences’ and ‘communication’. Now the package is complete . That was the paradigm I was working with.

Now, after three unsuccessful marriages including a recent debacle and one mostly successful one that lasted 24 years, I have to seriously question whether my model is adequate. Not too many  schools would accept a 25% success rate, n’est-ce pas!?

When I first came into Islam, I was introduced to another model of marriage. Instead of a romantic arrangement , it was defined as a contractual one. And over time I have come to see the wisdom of this approach. I understand ,as well, the pitfalls of this approach especially in modern times where families may ask for two many conditions especially monetary ones which become burdensome and unrealistic. For example, in Jordan where I did s sabbatical year, the fathers were often requiring $25, 000 US as dowry plus an owned appartment and a good job. Most young Jordanian men did not have such resources so many young women remained unmarried!

These excesses aside, the idea of setting out the terms of a marital arrangement before it is officialized appears to me to make more and more sense. Obviously one cannot foresee all the possible developments long-term in a marriage but some issues are foreseeable right from the onset. A few examples: If the man is Muslim and the wife is Christian, how are the children to be educated? Does the wife agree that all meat that enters the house will be halal?If the wife comes from a wealthy family and the husband has a simple middle-class job, she needs to agree from the outset that she will not have the same life-style that she had previously. If the wife is a Sufi practitioner and the husband is more of a standard Sunni or much worse a Wahhabi( in that case I wouldn’t recommend marriage at all lol) then he has to agree to accept her practice and not harass her about her beliefs or practices. Another issue that will frequently come up is the care of children. If the wife is insistent on continuing her career as soon as possible and the husband feels strongly that the mother should stay home for the first years of a child’s life, this should be dealt with quickly as the possibility of future conflict on this very issue remains and can lead to serious conflict and disruption in the family

As you can see the possibilities for such conflicts is very specific to each couple. I am sure that the reader can think of many other possibilities. Whatever is foreseeable should be addressed and included in the written contract whenever possible.

Now, does this solve all potential difficulties? By no means. However, it appears to me , at least, that this gives the players involved the best chance of success. I sincerely wish I would have understood this earlier!