The number four comes up often in mystical teachings. There are The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, The Four Questions at the Passover Seder and The Four Angels that carry the Arsh of Allah.

In this article we are concerned about three sets of fours from more modern teachings;

1) The Four Agreements of the Toltec teachings disseminated by Don Miguel Ruiz.A) Be impeccable with your words( similar to the Buddhist principle of Right Speech) B)Don’t take anything personally( probably the most difficult to follow if not impossible at times) C) Don’t make assumptions. (Actually do-able if you catch yourself quickly and are prepared to be wrong)and D) Always do your best( which most people would claim they are already doing but may not be the case lol)

Nevertheless many people have claimed that they have gotten traction with these principles and it has been beneficial.

The Four Procedures of Non-Violent Communication authored by Marshall Rosenberg

A) Observe(Without judgment- which Rosenberg considers violent) and share your observations

B) Be aware and share your feelings– as distinct from your objective observations

C) Identify your real needs in the situation

D) Make your requests  in terms of these needs.

Again many people including a group of young farmers I know who have succeeded in resolving conflicts for thirteen years! with this methodology, have claimed benefit from this approach.

But the real four principles I wanted to elucidate here come from a Ted Talk given by a former Baptist Christian who was no longer able to follow the narrow-minded teachings she had received and instead embarked upon some intense twitter conversations to get clarity! Intriguing!

The four principles here are about conversing with people who have opposing views to your own.I think they are awesome and intend to try to practice them- on an experimental basis of course lol!

A) Don’t assume ill intent on the part of the other person(“He’s only saying that because he’s a narcissist or she’s only saying that because she’s vain or stubborn”) So also don’t assume the cause is psychopathology of one sort or another-like paranoia or personality disorder,for example.

B) Ask questions.No matter how right you feel you are, try to understand the others point of view.You may or may not be surprised.

C) Stay calm. That’s a tough  but importantone, for me. When I feel unheard I get upset(Won’t go into the psycho -dynamics of that one for the meantime lol)

D) Make your argument Alternatively make your case. This is perhaps the most surprising but nevertheless very important. Don’t be a ‘wus’ and agree to everything.No room for bleeding-heart liberals here! But don’t be a bully either. Personally, I get impatient when what I am saying seems so obvious to me. But I have to learn to slowly but surely develop the argument rather than state the conclusion and get upset when it is not understood.

There is a lot of work for all of us here. And I am looking forward to it. I hope it is useful for you as well! Salaams, Ibrahim

Addendum:( The Fourth Four)

I have recently come across another protocol for dealing with difficult people. This one comes from a book entitled “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”.(Lindsay Gibson) It is about dealing with the enmeshment in families where parents are unempathic and disrespect their childrens’ boundaries. Some of my clients in counselling have already benefitted greatly  from this approach.

As well, despite the title, this approach can also be used as a general protocol for difficult relationships-with partners, workplace colleagues, siblings and even children-all of whom can be just as emotionally immature as parents! These are the steps in this protocol. As you can see there is considerable overlap with the previous models but there are some distinctive features as well. So have a look:

1. Become Observational( The same first principle as the Non-Violent Communication of Rosenberg.)This involves staying emotionally detached. Name and accept your own emotional reaction inwardly and coach yourself to detach.The author makes the perceptive  point that in order to do this you have to above all avoid the “healing fantasy” whereby somehow your words are going to change the others behaviour or even more delusionally will change their character and way of being! Good Luck lol
2. Express and Let go  i.e. don’t become a nag or a brow-beating harasser. Make your point as in the lady Baptist’s idea “Make your case” and then drop it. I learnt this a long time ago from my psychoanalytic teacher. “Don’t worry about the initial reaction to your interpretation” he told us. “Watch the subsequent behaviour”.Many people will go into defensive denial when being confronted but the truth of what is being said will keep working on them.So be observational ,again, in the follow-up period.
3. Focus on achievable goals rather than relationship enhancement. An achievable goal may just be not getting into a fight or limiting the length of the rant, or being clear that certain behaviours will not be tolerated.
4. Manage the Interaction: That may involve limiting the duration of the interaction or the topics that can be addressed. The author has another interesting insight here .”Emotionally Immature people cannot deal with another persons persistence”! So you have to be prepared to stand your ground- without becoming aggressive, angry or abusive. We definitely have our work cut out for us here lol!