In the past, I often felt guilty about communicating with people-except for the essentials of course.I can still remember going to an Indian reserve in Northern Quebec where no-one talked unless they had to.It was unsettling after being raised in a noisy Semitic environment. It felt a bit like Woody Allen visiting the Catholic family of Diane Keaton in Annie Hall ,I believe.He had images of his own Brooklyn -based family shouting at each other across the dinner table in order to make a point.With his in-laws everything was prim and proper and he was clearly ill-at-ease.
Nowadays I think I would love that Indian reserve.The silence was like that of a Zen monastery ,in the middle of family life with women taking care of the cooking and the kids and men preparing to go out to hunt.Everyone seemed peaceful.
Nevertheless,I have become convinced of the value of communication.Whereas I used to consider it an unnecessary leisure activity,and it surely is in some contexts, I now see it as a spiritual obligation- somewhat like praying together or eating together.This is probably why I now post regularly on Facebook and keep up this blog.Whatever I can share with others and whatever I can learn from their feedback ,it is all for the good.After all,where would we be if our Prophets and our awliya(saints) did not communicate.
One thing that troubles me ,however,is something I have noticed with the younger generation.They tend to just break off the conversation as soon as their immediate needs are met.This happens on Facebook,on chat, by email or in texting.Suddenly they disappear off the radar.I call this”ropey-dope” in honour of the technique Muhammad Ali developed to avoid his opponents blows and tire them out.For me,what feels right is to find a natural flow in the conversation and end it when it is becoming repetitive or running out of energy.Then I will say something like”I have a bunch of other things that need doing” or:It is getting late and I need my rest”.So we end the conversation in a smooth and polite manner and I feel that a good piece of work has been accomplished.Not so the younger generation.They just disappear.I guess this is just part of the cellphone texting generation.Or am I missing something?Salaams,Ibrahim
The kind of mutual back and forth communication you describe requires an attentive, attuned caregiver from a child’s earliest days. Most young adults today are products of daycares where the ratio of caregiver to child precludes that level of individual attention and responsiveness, and where it’s difficult to attach emotionally to caregivers if turnover is high. It’s simply adaptive to get your own needs met and not bother with much more, and unconsciously, to protect yourself by not investing too much time and energy in others. Texting and other superficial communication styles reflect rather than are the cause of this difficulty with sustained human connection.
Yes.That’s true.A social worker who had spent a long time in boarding school, because of his mother’s illness, called this”the institutional syndrome”.He had observed at the boarding school that most of the realtionships and communications were ‘instrumental’ i.e. designed to get a particular result and not based on humanity.