More than ten years ago now,I was doing a summer intensive in Arabic in Jordan. As a student, I was sharing space with three other students and a load of ugly Ikea furniture- obviously bought by the landlord to minimize his expenses lol. One of the students that I got quite close to over time was a young Palestinian with a huge chip on his shoulders because of the horrible conditions his family had to endure being displaced by the Israels..I understood well where his acrimony came from but like many people having suffered trauma ,the problem became generalized and expanded so that it was no longer the Zionist state but all Jews and a world-wide Zionist conspiracy and the CIA  etc,etc. I am sure most readers are aware of what I am referring to-the conspiratorial mind-set.

One day we were having a conversation about religion in general and I said that each religious community had, as well as the general truths about man and God, a particular strength.Given his mindset he became confused (possibly angry) and said”And what is the particular strength of the Jews?”,being incredulous that they could actually have positive qualities. As often in these confrontations, when faced with a surprising but deep question,I stop for a moment.Not my usual nature lol.And the answer then came to me:’Humanity” I responded ,not really knowing where that answer came from.In fact it was one of those moments of inspiration,where I was surprised, myself, by the answer.I had never formulated it that way before. I,too,had to think about it.

Besides the obvious fact of Jews excelling  in the humanities,arts and science and medicine actually this current is present in the language, Yiddish,itself .Like many people in modern times,I have been in reaction to my parents values and culture for a long time-and with good reason lol.But recently I have come to appreciate some of the wisdom they transmitted to me.And most of it was not really personal but cultural.Much of it is embedded in the language of Yiddish.

And so we come to the word “kvetch”! Now,most Americans living in big cities or regularly watching cable news have come into contact with this word on numerous occasions.This is not the case for recent immigrants,their children and people living in the mid-West or small-town America.Nevertheless it is a very useful word.

“Kvetch “is an onomatopoeia-that is it sounds like what it means.So is”chialeux” in French.The English word ‘complain’ does not have the same force.And in Arabic I had to look up the word in the dictionary as it is not used that often.(In all fairness,I only know some classical Arabic and cannot speak the language of the street so maybe the word for complaining is present).I prefer to think that the Arabs, to their credit, are not a complaining culture! It has seemed to me that way in my interactions with them but perhaps someone with more experience could correct me if I am wrong.Certainly the French-Canadians that I know well like to use the word and walk the walk of “chialer” regularly lol.They are almost at the “kvetch” level culturally.

So,why is this important? Because kvetching can easily become a problem-socially and individually.It implies a focus on the negative-a focus that is often unhelpful and unhealthy.It can easily lead to negativism,cynicism and ultimately even depression! So we have to manage this behaviour, not enable it.

Now moving briefly from the field of sociology to the field of psychology,Aaron Beck,founder of the school of Cognitive Therapy identified the triad of depressive ideations.It involves 1) a negative expectation for future events(“this project is not going to work”);a negative evaluation of current events(“this concert stinks”or”this person is a pain in the butt”) and 3) a negative assessment of oneself(“I’m a failure”,I’m a loser”,”I’m no good at anything”)The CBT therapists work at trying to correct these cognitive distortions.And work it is!

Now when I investigate myself ,and this is what we,all,must do if we wish to advance,i am alright I believe, in the first and third categories,some would probably say overly optimistic lol.But the second one(evaluating current situations) is problematic.Although I often positively envision what will occur in the future when I am an the situation itself,I have a strong tendency to see what is wrong(“this espresso has no crema”,”that person has no luminosity in their face”,”the weather here is too hot’) when actually in situ.The examples are endless.”Kvetching” sticks to me like cultural superglue!

Here is where we come to the spiritual point and a very,very important point at that.Feeling and expressing ‘gratitude”(shukr in Arabic) .It’s a biggie.The Islamic tradition puts a very high value on its development.But in order to do that properly ,one has to see the positive,feel it,hear it.Not easy in a “kvetchy” mind-set.Sometimes we may even need help.The help can come in the form of a spiritual teacher or a worldly teacher or a partner.Some people,for whatever reason, seem to do this easily.Others ,and they can be essentially good and principled people,have a really hard time.They need models.

A point of clarification here.I am not advocating “pie in the sky”, “seeing the world through rose-colored lenses” kind of approaches.Even the Cognitive therapists know that will not work. The positivity has to be based on reality.And it has to be complemented with an appropriate discerning eye.So we are back to the Islamic principle of”amr bil maroof and nehi al munkar”(enjoining the good and preventing evil) or more specifically in this context identifying the good and expressing it when appropriate and underlining the bad and discouraging it,when appropriate.All of this,of course,requires wisdom and discernment in its application.God be with you.Salaams,Ibrahim