Category Archives: Modern Living

Modern Living

The Learning Process

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Lesson of the day:It’s a lesson I repeat over and over again:”Respect your own learning style”Seems obvious but most people don’t do it.They submit to the learning style of the collective.Example: I was getting progressively more frustrated with the complexity of the Qigong moves being presented.So were many others.One of the teacher’s senior students suggested we do a supplementary tutorial with her in the evening.I call that” putting the dogs nose in the excrement”- a very popular option for students in difficulty. “Oh you’re no good in French.Then let’s give you more and more French tutoring( So you can feel really bad about yourself)” Being aware of that approach, and knowing that if I did more I would get even more frustrated, I went back to my room and rested.This morning it went much better.Moral of the story:Respect yourself and your process!

Modern Living, Psychology

About Marriage

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When You Marry for Four Reasons, Don’t Forget Your Reason

When You Marry for Four Reasons, Don’t Forget Your Reason

Nov 15, 2014Marriage63

By Karim Serageldin

As a practicing psychologist, I was once consulted by a brother in Turkey in need of immediate relationship advice. In summary, the brother’s “emergency” was that he had met a nice religious girl from a good family but was not attracted to her at all. He was under pressure from both his and her family to make a decision after three short meetings with the sister. I asked him what he liked about her; he said she was religious and came from a good family. “Okay, what else?”

I could feel his anxiety through the computer screen. To marry or not to marry?

“Should I just go for it?”

I was shocked. Marriage is a lifelong commitment that requires compatibility, attraction and personality flow, none of which he felt. But he failed to recognize this, because he was stuck on the hadith (narration of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, peace be upon him) narrated by Abu Huraira in Bukhari: “A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be unsuccessful.” (Book #62, Hadith #27)

In my opinion, this hadith is often misunderstood, because we forget the other reasons in the process. In the case of the young man I talked to, he thought we should only marry for religion and ignore the other three. Are you likely to sustain and succeed in a marriage where there is no compatibility beyond sharing a similar theology and ritual practices? Furthermore, what someone else calls “religious” may not mean the same thing to you.

In my experience working with couples for many years, I know for a fact that this is irrational. When we fail to apply reason in matters of religion, we get pain, destruction and failure, especially in marriage. We cannot live a true path of spirituality if our attempt to follow Islam lacks sincerity, wisdom, and deep reflection on our context and ourselves. Some Muslims live the path of serving Islam, as if it is a person nodding its head in approval every time we apply a hadith or Qur’anic verse. Islam is a path to God. God is the one to whom this path leads. Did this brother think about God in his process? That one day he will meet Him and be asked about “just doing it” without regard for the deeper requirements for success in human relationships? He considered getting married in order not to hurt the sister’s feelings—what about when he divorces her because he realizes it was a huge mistake?

A few points to reflect on:

  • Never ever marry someone you don’t feel right about out of fear or pressure. This is likely to lead to failure. In the end, you and your partner will suffer, not your family, your culture, or even your religion.
  • Marry someone who possesses all four reasons mentioned in the hadith not just religion. This is more likely to succeed and sustain a life long partnership.
  • If religion is important to you, avoid marrying someone who does not have religion, even if the other three reasons are alluring. This is just as unlikely to succeed.
  • Use this hadith as a guide, not an axiom with closed borders. We also marry for love and chemistry, in addition to these four reasons.
  • Islam teaches us to admire diversity. If we always married people from the same socioeconomic status, race, or ethnic group, for example, this would hinder a more colorful, multicultural ummah (community).
  • Sometimes people act religious because it is more “marketable” for marriage. Be cautious and go beyond surface checkpoints of theology and practice. Get to know the person and their family more deeply.
  • Take your time. If you do not feel you are given enough time to get to know someone do not get married to avoid cultural stigmas. Families that rush their kids into marriage are the ones to have sincere skepticism towards.

 

Source: http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/marriage-family/beforemarriage/when-you-marry-for-four-reasons-dont-forget-your-reason/

Modern Living, Spiritual Practice

The Reflexology of the Face

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I have been thinking about this for a long-time,wondering if it was possible to systematize and teach in any way,the reading of the face.Reflexologists have developed a map of the foot where each organ in the body is represented by an area of the foot.They claim to be able to diagnose physical ailments in this manner.So I wondered if we can do the same with the Face and spiritual ailments.Here is what I have discovered so far.

  1. The eyes: Most of us know the expression”The eyes are the mirror of the soul” or “the window to the soul” This is largely true -with some caveats.An important one is to distinguish between light (nur) and fire (nar) in the eyes.As opposed to light, which is almost always a good sign,fire can  indicate excessive emotion or, even more often, in spiritual matters fanaticism.At that point it becomes dangerous.At other times,like in schizophrenia, but by no means limited to psychosis, the eyes can have a far-away look.You can notice this,for example,in people who have used a lot of psychedelic drugs like LSD.These people are no longer in this world but the world they are in is shadowy and dark rather than luminous.You can also find this in esotericists and magicians.I remember the time I entered a bookstore specializing in Alistair Crowley,the famous magician.I had to leave quickly.The vibe was too dark and even scary..Many of the psychics and clairvoyants and Tarot card-readers have the same other-worldly darkness about them.
  2. The face-1:One of the interesting phenomenon I have encountered,that puzzled me at first ,was people who have light in their eyes but not in their face.Many of the people I have labelled spiritual illuminati have this constellation.It is common in the community of non-dualists or Advaita Vedantists. This tells me they are ungrounded-in contact with the light but not the manifestation of the light on the Earthly plane.This un-groundedness can and will play havoc with their Earthly relations.Just ask their partners lol.
  3. The Face-2 At the opposite extreme, you have the spiritual materialists like the Wahhabbi.They have no light either in their eyes nor in their facer.Stay away from them! I remember an event in Jordan when I was invited to dinner by one of them.They,of course,were very critical of Sufism and my Sheikh there.We began by discussing their ideas but the exercise was useless.At one point,I just had to get up and leave as there was clearly no point in discussing. .I said to them frankly ” How can I accept your reasoning when I see no nur(spiritual light) on your faces?” I had the same reaction to a similar group of Shia people trying to convince me that they had the right interpretation of Islam.Islam without nur?! That makes no sense to me.
  4. The face -3. I have also noticed in many converts,on the point of conversion,a light illuminate their entire face ,even if they apparently seemed to be converting only to get married.This could only serve to confirm my faith that this religion,Islam, is pure and true.My apologies to the liberals who may see this as sectarian but this is what I see, not what I think!
  5. The mouth:Another really important area.One can see a lot of character traits in the mouth.One ignores them at one’s own peril.I began this article as I watched the tennis finals in Paris.Although I don’t want to personalize this analysis,I think it does help to be specific, at times.If you examine the mouth of the number one tennis player in the world,Novak Djokovic,you will see that there is something seriously wrong on the level of character.I am not sure how to label it but it is somewhere in the range of ‘dishonest’,’hypocritical’ and ‘smug’. Maybe one of the readers of this article  will find a more apt term for it.You are more than welcome to share this.Then there is Donald Trump.Shut off the volume on your TV or laptop and observe his mouth-not the words,the expression.It will be very hard to vote for him after you see that. If you think all politicians are the same look at Hilary whose expression is much more subtle and Obama who has none of this.For those who know me,you may be surprised at the positive slant on Obama lol. I have always maintained,throughout my criticism, he has good character!.

So this is a beginning.I hope to pursue this line of investigation to deepen and refine it in the future as time permits inshallah.We all have an obligation to develop our discernment.It is in that perspective that I present this material.

 

Modern Living, Psychology

Waking Up!

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I,too,was raised in the liberal,democratic tradition.Let me share with you two events that helped me wake up.This is from long ago-1975 precisely,for Chantal that means before you were born lol.The first event was in San Francisco.It was the beginning of an interesting but flawed movement called Est seminars(Erhard Seminar Trainings) and they had some legitimate insights.The trainer (that’s what they called the leader) stood up at the board(yes there were no computers and projectors at that time!) and wrote down the “Hierarchy of Spiritual Development).The lowest level,just above animality, was Reason.The trainer underlined the point.”Rationality is the lowest level of spiritual attainment” he reiterated.It was all uphill from there.My entire liberal education was put into question and Alhumdulillah for that.Studying the Hindu and Buddhist concepts of “mind”(as illusion) confirmed my understanding.

The second event occurred at “The Abode of the Message” in the Berkshires at The Abode of the Message “with Pir Vilayat Khan.We did practices called “The Songs and Dances of Universal Peace”.In one of the practices ,the men and the women were separated into two concentric circles.Alternatively we would do some kind of circular movements and chanting”.When I heard ,one after the other,the two collective sounds,I was moved to tears.I felt the sublimity of the Creation.Vive la Difference!The feminist bubble, in which I too was raised, was beginning to burst,Alhumdulillah.Everything after that was a confirmation of what I had realized in that moment.Sublime!

Modern Living, Politics, Psychology

Terrorist attacks in Paris

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The real cause of all outer events is an inner reality.I felt that reality on my last two journeys to France and told people of the toxic environment in Paris.That is why problems cannot be solved at the level on which they occur.We need to go deeper.But that usually means putting into question our hidden assumptions and convictions and that is something most people are unwilling to do.So God intervenes and makes the messages louder.Still people

refuse to understand.”Surely man is contrary”The Quran